"Please pray that when I deliver there's no bleeding complications. We talked a little about it with the doctor today. It's in the realm of possibility that if complications during delivery occur, there's a chance I will need a hysterectomy. I just would love specific prayer."
Those words turned into a wide-mouthed monster within seconds within this mother's heart. If I could insert the actual expression on my face when I heard those words, you'd have seen my whole body contort, in slow motion, into the shape of a great big fat NO!!!
I know we said whatever Lord, BUT, I had no idea it could get more complicated than it already is. My mistake...
Oh, I'll do more than that my dear sweet surrendered daughter!!! God and I are gonna wrestle this one out daily!
I don't know, somehow I thought our greatest risk in this was going to be the intensity of having to say good-bye to sweet Eli. Now it seems, there's all kinds of possibility for even greater suffering.
Hysterectomy? Hemorrhaging? My daughter? My baby?
I was all in when it was all about God and little Eli. How brave I am, how "spiritual." Ugh! But, what, now? I never imagined the risk to my daughter, other than the obvious loss and grieving she and Joe will endure. Now my concern is for my daughters future life and destiny!?!?
I argued with her a bit...I'm a little embarrassed about that. "You said there'd be no greater risk!" "Mom, it's out of my hands."
Out of our hands...exactly.
All I keep hearing are the sounds of Eli's little heart beating...life...designed and created by God...for a purpose. All of his days counted, all of my daughter's days, counted. All of all of our days...counted and designed for a purpose.
Thank God, I quickly recanted my response when He reminded me that my daughter is first HIS daughter! He controls her life and has already designed her days. He loves her far more than I can even imagine, so I can trust Him. No matter what comes, whatever Lord, I trust you. No matter what. I only grabbed fear first because it was right there...just waiting for me. I think it always will be.
Fear, those false emotions appearing real - feeling all too real I might add! Feelings and emotions are important, however, I'm having lots of practice learning to make them second to God and His Word. His Word tells us that perfect love casts out all fear. Once they pass through Him, they transform in His perfect Love and come out genuine, filled with truth, abundantly life-giving and over the top hope-filled.