you are so loved...
you're not even born yet and you've touched and changed many hearts and lives...like mine.
when we first saw you, you were inside a heart...no doubt a preamble to what your little life would mean to so many...
we all loved this first look at you...not knowing, however, that by medical standards, this was not the optimal circumstance for you. your mommy's womb is heart-shaped, they actually call it a defect - sure doesn't seem like it, we all thought it was absolutely precious. well, it can cause problems with your growth, but we were told you settled in the best possible place and everything should be just fine, except maybe a c-section when the time of arrival comes because you may not have room to turn when it's time.
our next look at you was devastating for all of us...you have a problem...it's called "limb body wall complex." it's no one's fault...it just happens sometimes. your little heart is beating strong and you're growing; it's just that your umbilical cord is too short and so your abdominal wall never closed, so you're organs are still attached to the placenta, which, we are told means you will not be able to survive outside of your mommies womb. 100% fatal is your prognosis. there are times when surgery can be performed to fix this after you're born, but for you, they said it's the worst case scenario and won't work.
i couldn't process this...
of course, your mommy was given a choice...carry you knowing she would never go home with you, or abort you. this was not a choice for her...she will lovingly carry you until god carries you home.
i prayed so hard for god to take you sooner than later if this was to be your legacy. i couldn't imagine how we would all get through this...it seemed so cruel, torture actually.
i cried and wrestled with god over and over trying to find the perspective i would need to be available to your mommy; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, to be able to walk through this with your her.
her precious doctor told her she would walk this road with her and she could come and look at you every week and spend time with you because this time in the womb will be all she will experience with you. she also said we were invited to come as well, i.e., family. i shut down at this point. how could i come and bond with you, love you, and then lose you. how can i watch you, watch your precious mommy, my precious daughter, go through this deep pain and devastating hurt? my only response is that i would think about it.
so many are praying for you...praying for a miracle. that scared me. i couldn't place my hope there. what if it didn't happen? i learned long ago not to get my hopes up for anything, it always seemed to end in disappointed and hurt. i actually started to see that if i didn't hope, good things actually happened. #emotionally confused
in talking with my other daughter, sarah, she's so filled with faith and hope; believing for a miracle, etc. i became angry and fearful; doubtful even. why wasn't i feeling those things? where was my faith? well, we're talking about flesh of my flesh here...my precious daughter laura. how can i watch her suffer and go through hurt like this? even though she's mature and married, a mother still wants to protect her babies. i can't protect her in this. that saddened me deeply. how can i watch everyone build her up emotionally for a miracle and then have it not happen?
then, one morning i was driving to work and got a prompting to turn on christian talk radio. charles stanley was on and the very first words i heard him say were, "god wants you to be filled with hope." that got my attention! romans 15:13 "may the god of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the holy spirit you may abound in hope." god wants me to hope and be filled with joy and peace. i begged him, "then by the power of the holy spirit fill me!" why wasn't i being filled? then it hit me; actually it swelled from the core of my being and filled my heart and mind.
god showed me that i've been placing my hope in things; events, miracles, in hope, in healing, in people, in life, in my own strength, etc...when it should be in a person - the only person - jesus christ. my hope, your hope, should be in him! it doesn't rise and fall with our emotions. it doesn't ebb and flow with the tides in our lives. it doesn't dip when things are bad and rise when things go our way. it's in him...our hope resides in the fullest capacity, in him alone. it never changes.
i don't have to be afraid.
i can't tell you how deeply this healed me. it not only changed my perspective over past events, but for this moment and forever more as well. my hope is in christ. yes, it's possible we'll get our miracle, we serve an incredible god...however, my hope will not be altered if we don't get one.
you, my sweet angel, have taught me so much about life, myself and my god already. you have taken and refocused my vision and captured my heart! i am free now to be whatever i need to be for your sweet mommy, my precious daughter. i am free now to watch you move on the ultrasound and talk to you and experience you while we have you. no one knows what's going to happen, but you already have moved our world and made your presence known. you have already created a legacy of hope & love that will live on in the hearts of more than we know.
the world says you shouldn't be here. we can't wait to meet you, whether here or heaven, we love you so much...
p.s. isn't it ironic, you're going to be a thanksgiving baby...